Mayhem Literary Journal is proudly sponsored by Te Whare Wananga o Waikato, The University of Waikato
issue 3

october 2015

issue 3 - october 2015

Carmen Sandiego - Conor Maxwell

Let's talk a lot. Let's make talking an important part of our daily routines. Let's wake each other up in the morning and prevent each other from going to sleep at night with our embarrassingly cute texts. When we fall asleep in Literary Theory and our friends ask what kept us up all night, I'll say that I was partying and blazing it 4/20 and that sleep is for the weak. You'll probably tell your friends some version of the truth, because girls are allowed to talk about that stuff without getting ridiculed. Let me be the reason you spend all day with your eyes on your study notes, your hand in your pocket and your attention firmly on thoughts of me. I'll let you be the reason I smile like an idiot every time you light up my phone. Again, I'll probably blame that smile on illegal substances, because having a crush is 'so high school' and these days it's all about finding love in Bar 101 and having a brief, drunken sexual relationship, that ends when she discovers you didn’t swipe right that time you came across her Tinder profile. You know how it is. Let's talk about everything and when we've done that, let's talk about nothing. It's not what you say but the fact you're saying it that makes me like you. But what you say does count as well, because you're smooth as hell and you make me feel special. Consider me well and truly wooed.

Let's hang out on the couch and watch movies. We have very different tastes, but it doesn't matter. I argue with my friends about my favourite films for hours until they accept my opinion as law, but I'll spare you that experience. You're hot and I'm into you, so as long as you appreciate The Dark Knight at least half as much as I do, I'll still let you touch my body. I'll even let you do it if you like Twilight, but I'll probably feel dirty afterwards. Don't put on Shutter Island, Inception or any movie that requires concentration, because my attention is going to be elsewhere. And definitely nothing with subtitles. Don't make me read tiny words on the screen when I'd rather be reading you. Let's cuddle during the movie. Cuddling is mandatory, and you know that, 'cos if you weren't a cuddler then we wouldn't be together. I can forgive most movie tastes, but non-cuddlers are not allowed in my house.

Let's kiss. Let's kiss again after we're done with the first kiss. Hell, let's just full-on make out. Kissing is great and any couple who aren't kissing every chance they get are missing out. Let's go out to dinner or to the movies and suck face with only minimal regard for those around us. They can’t complain about the noise if they’re slurping their Coke or making a fuckin’ mess of their chicken carbonara. You know that I only give other people grief for PDA when I'm not committing that heinous offense myself. People will call me a hypocrite, but mackin' on you tastes better than being “appropriate” feels. Let's communicate with our mouths in a way that isn't talking. Then, let's forget that I said that last part, because I don't think there's ever been a less sexy way to describe kissing. It's okay, I know you like me for my succulent hair and not my brains, so you'll be forever forgiving the stupid things I say.

When the time's right, let's have sex. Let's not rush it because we have all the time in the world. I don't have a secret girlfriend and we don't have to worry about your parents walking in, because they’ve gone out to dinner at The Cook and you locked the door. You did lock the door, right? It’s just you and me, for as long as we want. Let's not just fuck, let's make love. I know 'make love' sounds cheesy, lofty and kind of impersonal, but there is a real difference between the two. Let's not skip the foreplay, because I've been told I'm really good at that. Don't worry about me for this bit- right now I'm all about pleasing you. Of course, I have an ulterior motive. If the sex is anything less than perfect on our first time together, at least we can say the foreplay rocked. Let me work out your rhythm and find out what you like. Let's take our time because you and I will have many, many more times like this, and some things can wait until another day. Let's have awkward, messy, clumsy, awesome sex. Let's lie there; sweating, breathing, drowned in our thoughts and feelings. And lying there, together, staring into each other's eyes, let's say it.

Let's always remember this moment. The moment that changed us for good. Let this be the climax of our origin story. The instant that we knew that we were in this together, forever. When our kids are old enough let's tell them the story of how we met in a Comedy lecture and bonded over our mutual dislike of Jane Austen. How we grew closer by the day as we learned we had so much more in common than we thought. I helped you learn the difference between colons and semicolons, and you helped me learn how to accept compliments and be less self-conscious about my stupid glasses. You told me later that you thought I had always seemed bright, cheerful and a little bit cocky, but you didn't know me before. You couldn't know just how much you changed me. Let's tell our children about our accidental first date, when our friends set us up without our knowledge, how we realised that maybe they had seen something between us that we hadn't noticed ourselves. Let's tell them all about our relationship, skipping the sex parts because that's not appropriate and I'm not Ted Mosby. Let's draw them in and hit them with the climax. That moment we will always remember. The moment I said “I love you”, and you said “I love you, too.” Let's tell them about the moment we started loving each other, and never stopped.

Contributor's Note

Conor Maxwell is a full-time student at the University of Waikato studying English, Theatre and Secondary Education. In his spare time, Conor is also a playwright, director, actor and co-founder of the local up-and-coming Small Dynamite Theatre Company.

 

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